20 “Characters” of College: Online and on Campus

Online Schools:

1.THE OVERZEALOUS MOM

She is young and super excited to finally be earning a college degree. She had to postpone college due to having a bundle of joy her senior year of high school. She has potential if only she would stop talking about her child’s musings every five seconds. “My baby just laughed.” “My baby is so smart: he just said mama.” “My baby just left me a steaming pile in his Huggies.” Lady, your baby isn’t an Einstein. Tell him to read Crime and Punishment, then we’ll talk.

2.THE LOL, JK, WTF’ER

Some people never cease to amaze and this breed is no exception. College is college, whether you are on campus or behind your Macbook. You need to be well spoken and articulate and leave the acronyms for @twitter. “So this is my ppr on Industrialism in the Mid East, it’s so hard lyke wtf! I need halp! Lmao oh well nvrmnd jk l8tr.” WRONG! Call Webster up and make nice with him bby! You definitely need him.

3.THE BIG BULLY

Beware the internet gangster! A really tough and scary individual…NOT! This guy only has a pair when he is behind his mom’s Dell PC. He has been given an ultimatum “Get a job or a degree or your outta here, Norman.” He chose the latter so he can stay home, get a degree and call people names all from the safety of his basement.

4.THE AGORAPHOBIC

In medical terms, agoraphobia means the fear of open spaces and this person has a fear of any space that isn’t her bedroom. She is incredibly smart, but whiny and all “woe is me.” She will go off on a tangent to announce her jealousy of normal 20-somethings who get to “physically go to college.” Ever see the Cymbalta commercial? Depression hurts? Yes, it does. It hurts the people who want to learn a thing or two.

5.THE CREEPER

The creeper doesn’t actually want or need a degree. After being booted from match.com for being mentally perverse he needs a new spot to find smart and witty women. He is completely inappropriate and, instead of emailing you about the lesson, he sends you pictures of his creepy doll collection. You’d be well advised to be nice to this guy, but not too nice or you might end up as part of his collection.

6.THE CONSPIRACY THEORIST

If you thought the Internet was weird enough, you have yet to meet the conspiracy guy. Everything your online professor says, he has some oddball quip about it. The Egyptians were aliens, the government is watching you through your television and The Catcher in the Rye has subliminal messages to kill your superiors. Lay off the Mary Jane, dude! It isn’t working in your favor.

7.THE SPAMMER

Do you want to modify your home loan? Would you like a lower APR on your credit cards? How about a free iPad? Maybe a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble? Click here for singles in your area! No No Nooo! What we do want is for you to go the hell away so that we can get an education and avoid getting stuck pestering and scamming people on the Internet as a career. Maybe you should quit the day job and join us in class for real.

8.THE GAMER

Mr. Gamer, always looking for a playmate. Instead of seeking out a study mate for literature and philosophy, he is searching for a mate on Dungeons & Dragons. He will bore you with twinks, trolls and warhammers.  If he spent half the time studying that he does “leveling up,” he’d have his doctorate by now.

9.THE GOOGLER

This person acts like he has all the knowledge in the universe, as though he has read The World Encyclopedia since the womb. For every question asked by the professor, he has an answer and then some. He is really smug and makes everyone else in the course feel inadequate. He will get away with it for a while until the professor finds his whole term paper on Wikipedia. Oh gee! How did that get there?!

10.THE FIBBER

The Internet fibber isn’t very hard to find. He lurks around every corner of the web. He will find the opportunity to tell tall tales of studying at The Sorbonne in Paris or hanging out with Donald Trump in Brazil and being online acquiring his 6th degree because he is just too busy running a hedge fund corporation in NYC. Do you think he actually has all the time in the world to physically go back to school for psychology when he can do it all on his Macbook Air? Maybe he should be seeing a therapist instead of trying to become one. I feel sorry for his future patients.

Traditional Schools:

1.THE FEMINIST

Behold the feminist. She is not a college urban myth cliche. She is very real and very outspoken. She will be wearing boy’s corduroy pants and a worn out Bikini Kill t-shirt. Her favorite authors are Pomeroy and Steinem. She will have some kind of unkempt facial hair or an armpit bush and cry misogyny about everything. This girl can find misogyny in anything from architecture to the care bears. “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown is definitely not one of her jams.

2.THE NEO BLACK PANTHER

It’s Kente cloth galore for this student. He wears them with pride as well as arrogance. His whole love for the motherland is pretty bizarre since he is from America and has never even been to Africa. He’s the student who complains to the higher up’s that there isn’t enough African-American lit in the curriculum. If you have read a lot of Toni Morrison, Malcolm X or Langston Hughes, he is the guy to thank for the enrichment.

3.THE PRETENTIOUS ONE

This student will make you roll your eyes so much that you will need to add Excedrin to your college survival kit due to the massive migraines. Everything your professor and fellow students present to the class is sooo elementary to him. He was reading Sarte at age 9 and speaks Spanish with a Castillian accent. He thinks he is beyond godlike. So why aren’t you an Ivy Leaguer, dude? Why? Because he is so brilliant they couldn’t accept him for fear of intimidating the other students. Righttt!

4.THE CHATTERBOX

The chatterbox is without a doubt the most irritating person you will encounter as a collegiate. They will talk to whomever, whenever, about absolutely nothing of value. They make it hard to pay attention to a lecture. “OH MY GAWD, did you hear about what Nikki did at the Kappa house last night.” Why pay for college if you are just going to ruin it for the people who actually want to learn?

5. THE FOREIGN BRANIAC

He comes from a strange land, barely speaks English, yet he is the smartest person on the whole campus. He gets an A+ on everything, has high honors even though he can’t even pronounce basic words. You can chalk it up to one of two things: amazing study habits and discipline or that he comes from outer space. Don’t fear.  He comes in peace. Most likely to be a billionaire, so co-ed gold diggers, take note.

6.THE COMEDIAN

He has got all the jokes but no laughs except his own and his buddies. Nothing he says is witty or clever. Fart jokes? Really! Knock knock! Who’s there? The guy who desperately needs to report back to the fifth grade immediately because that’s where he belongs. He is not Rodney Dangerfield, and this is not Back To School.

7.THE MILITANT YOUNG REPUBLICAN

Young, privileged, shiny and outspoken. Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Think again. This is a person who thinks the Bush administration did our country proud, liberalism is evil and guns are always cool. Pretty much lacking brains or common sense. The scariest part is Ann Coulter rocks their world. Right wing? The only wing they need to visit is the wing in the psych ward where delusional patients stay indefinitely.

8.THE SLEEPING BEAUTY

You have seen her before.  Well, you have never actually seen her face because its always burrowed under a hoodie on the desk. It’s a wonder why she even bothers showing up to class. The only reason must be too annoy everyone else trying to learn with her snoring and drooling. Somebody give this kid a cup of Starbucks, a Red Bull or even an  Adderall. Anything to wake her up!

9.TEACHERS PET

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I know the answer!! With her arm raised up so high you can hear cartilage cracking and the arm disconnecting from the socket. The professor either loves her or hates her. You and your classmates, though, you all hate her.

10.THE TORTURED SOUL

The poet, the loner, the one who drowns himself in hours of listening to The Cure and a pool of sorrow. He’s the poster child for maudlin and angst. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a metaphor for his pain and suffering. Chances are he never has taken Depakote or Lithium, and he was actually raised by a nice, affluent family in Darien, Connecticut.